I had always been a fan of Tiger but it has become clear that the Tiger we knew is just a mirage in the desert. He’s just not worthy of our admiration, only some polite golf claps.

From his creepy news conference to the ultra-creepy ad using his father to revive his pocketbook, Tiger has been pushing my buttons from the night he was found snoring in the street. Now we are told we cannot criticize him, even though not a shred of truth has emerged here – except that of his many mistresses, including now a neighbor of his in FLA.

Or how about the $10 million he allegedly paid to Uchitel? Where is the integrity in that? And why her and only her?

You see, despite all the effort, nothing but questions remain and until he comes out of the bubble, he’ll be hounded by the snickers and giggles, the jokes and the punchline that he has become. If you sponsor Tiger, well, you get the scandal too, hope you got a discount.

In the end, does anybody like what they’ve heard enough to continue to heap praise on this guy, who turns out, will do anything to save his image, like a politician caught with a six-year old boy? Will winning a frickin’ golf tournament really absolve him? Not in my eyes.

So go ahead, win the Masters, just know that a bunch of people who used to root for you are now hoping you pull a Vandevelt on the whole thing.

The National Enquirer, the mag with a knack for catching a tiger by the tail, is reporting that Tiger has moved from the sex to the drug card. I think momma told him, go to rehab and he said…

Tiger in Arizona?

Yes, Tiger Woods said a lot of things that needed to be said.

But that’s my issue, it was a laundry list created by people other than himself. It was clear they had sketched out exactly what he needed to say and how to say it and where and when and whom sat in the front row. Nothing real about it.

In fact, the length of it upset me - with hugs and kisses and all, it was almost exactly fifteen minutes. Who the fuck does he think he is? He’s a frickin golfer, he means NOTHING in the greater scheme but still thinks himself so high and mighty to warrant a fifteen minute mea culpa. Truth is, he could have been golfing the very next weekend, he committed no crime, violated no PGA rule. He made it all worse by not playing.

He waited toooo long to do it, means he never wanted to do it, felt he didn’t have to. Again, who was he apologizing to over and over again? I’ll tell you who: his sponsors. And all those promises? He didn’t need to promise anything to anyone but still, for some stupid-ass reason, he told us he was now going to live a life akin to a church minister. And not the ‘fondling’ kind…supposedly.

He should have come out early and gone to Oprah or Barbara Walters. By not allowing anyone to ask questions, he left all the questions unanswered. Don’t you see? He is still avoiding responsibility.

And therein lies the rub. Because he didn’t answer the questions it still lives and thus his attempts to end it failed. Without the give and take (where the interviewer acts as us all), the nagging stuff will continue to nag him from course to course. Hope he likes living under a giant microscope, where any Joe D’Bag can make a bundle by exposing a fuck up. Any fuck up.

From a PR/damage control perspective, it was a disaster. The objective was not met.

For instance, I used to like and cheer for him, now I think he’s a bozo who thinks the world revolves around him. Even now, I ask, why is he suddenly so interested in marriage? Seems this was a guy that ‘marriage’ wasn’t working for and now he wants to be hubby of the year? WTFx3? I cringe thinking of why she’s staying with him? $$$?

Remember folks, he didn’t just boink these hoes, he dated them for YEARS. All of them. Plus, add all the skanky, Jerry Springer ass he just one-nighted to the cocktail and hopefully you get the picture. Visual: Ewwww.

Fact is she should be running for the Swedish hills faster than tiger to a gazelle.

Oh man, you saw it, didn’t you? I think most people we know tuned in at some point, in some media to see Tiger’s return.

And what a return it was.

Scripted and filmed to an inch of its life, Tiger once again has proven while he is great at golf, he pretty much sucks ass at everything else – especially public apologies. A few notes:

- Three women in the front row was way toooo contrived. Two of them were his employees! LOL!

- Whoever coached him obviously has studied or worked for Obama.

- I kept thinking, “stop talking!” He said way too much, the speech itself was like a full 12 step program packed into 13 minutes. Like if he made sure he covered it all, we’d move on.

- Did anyone see his mother look at him?

- Who did the camera work? Tiger’s people? That would make it even worse.

- Hated the part where he talked about his charity work, that really bugged me. One has nothing to do with the other and keeps the vein going: Tiger still thinks he is above it all.

- His statement where he scolded everyone and demanded they leave him alone was way off as well. He needed to disembowel himself, not the media.

- How many lawyers and PR gurus do you think had a hand in that statement/script?

- Very much annoyed by the continual looks at the camera, at just the right pause and juncture. Again, that all seemed coached to me.

- Found myself giggling at several points and I only giggle when giggling overcomes me. It is too girlish for me to allow willing.

- I think the comments about “Buddhism” have an alternate purpose, like when Christians use God as their “out.”

- Who the fuck was he apologizing to? Me? I could care less about who the man pokes.

Nothing about the whole scene, the whole statement gave me any reason to believe him. Before he was just a great golfer who fucked around on his wife. Now, he’s an idiot too and I think that is the worst one for me, because I don’t care who he pokes, I’ m not married to him.

See, Tiger has now gone so far as to think I’m an idiot and a fool and I don’t appreciate that. Now, he’s insulted my intelligence. And all by STAGING this farce, this prepackaged, scripted and rehearsed event in which I am supposed to swoon and hum his tune again.

Won’t work, like all the others who have used the same PR firm, he should have  just played the sex addiction card.

Because ultimately, he still came off as someone looking for an apology…for getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar.